English Exam

Subject: Rudyard Kipling -- The Poem Mandalay

Exam: Open Book - Check the poem on one of these webpages if you don't already have it memorized:

Question 1: Kipling writes: "An' 'er name was Supi-yaw-lat -- jes' the same as Theebaw's Queen, An' I seed her first a-smokin' of a whackin' white cheroot." What does the 'wackin' white cheroot symbolize? [Hint: If you're male and not white, don't interpret too literally--think instead in terms of a whacking black, or brown, or red or yellow cheroot.]

Question 2: Why the refrain ".. where the flying fishes play?" Why a flying fish at all? What exactly does the flying fish represent? [Hint -- why not a flying whale? or a flying tuna?].

Question 3: What does Mandalay represent in terms of the female anatomy? [Hint: suppose a spider mite was crawling around on a woman's body--perish the thought!--and came upon what was to the mite a forest of palm trees and a moist oasis -- where exactly would the mite be?]

Question 4: Okay, question 3 is a tough one unless you've recently had a biology course. Let's try again. If a woman were to wade into the Mandalay Ocean, and slowly raise her sarong and experience the warm yet flaccid waters gently caressing her body, and were she to move her hem higher and higher, and move into deeper and deeper water and if the water was to move up her body, starting at her ankles, moving in turn to calves, backs of knees, lower thighs, upper thighs, jujubees and so on, and if the flying fish were playing in the ocean right at that very moment, and, if she had previously removed ALL of her underclothing, which orifice on her body would the flying fish be most likely to lodge itself in?

Question 5: In the above scenario, is it likely that the ocean would remain flaccid? And, why is it that Kipling didn't mention this important element in his poem?

Question 6: If you are female, does your favourite male friend ever claim that he has a flying fish in his pocket that he wants you to play with? [Hint: if you are a male who uses the pick up line, "Hey there ... would you like to see my pet flying fish?" who do you think you're fooling?]

Question 7: What exactly does the refrain, "An' the dawn comes up like thunder, outer China 'crost the bay!" represent. [Hint: If you're a woman and haven't figured it out yet, that really isn't a flying fish that your male friend has in his pocket].

Question 8: With all due respect to Kipling, the refrain, "On the road to Mandalay, Where the flyin'-fishes play," doesn't make intellectual sense, does it? I mean, if Kipling was referring to a real road, would any male in his right mind let his flyin'-fish play on it? So, what exactly does the road symbolize? And what happens if a guy's flying fish gets run over by a truck? And in this world where the relationships between the genders is so troubled, what exactly does the truck symbolize?

Question 9: When the Soldier protests that Supi-yaw-lat is "... a wastin' Christain kisses on an 'eathen idol's foot ...," what do you suppose he would rather have her kiss? And, do you think that he would really prefer a Christain to a Heathen kiss in that particular spot assuming he was lucky enough to get one at all? And, do you think the line "... an bestowin' wanton kisses on an ugly soldier's poot" would have been more honest and shown more religious tolerance?

Question 10: Consider the lines, "the Elephants a-piling teak,In the sludgy, squdgy creek ...". Suppose the flying fish was actually made of teak. What does the sludgy, squdgy creek symbolize? And, why didn't Kipling just say so instead of beating around the bush?

Question 11: What does the refrain "Can't you hear their paddles chunkin' from Rangoon to Mandalay?" make you think of? [Hint: if you're female think of your bum as two countrys, one cheek named Rangoon and the other named Mandalay. What exactly are the paddles that are chunkin' and what are they really chunkin 'between.' I mean, did you really think that anyone would paddle a canoe between Rangoon and Mandalay in the middle of a typhoon? Maybe you haven't studied Geography yet?? What???].

Question 12: Why was Kipling allowed to get away with writing this filth? [Hints: what exactly is poetic licence, and what's the connection between the words "Fishing license" and "licentiousness," and why does the government, which is still for the most part an all male, little boys' club, issue licenses for trout but not for flying fish?]

Question 13: If you scanned the various webpages on the poem "Mandalay", you will notice that they are put up by men and probably by men who think of them selves as romantics. And, of course, the poem was written by Rudyard Kipling, a male who hung out in the Army Barraks during many of England's wars of the period and who was a strong promotor of Colonialism. Why do men bother to put this poem on webpages? And, why no women? [Hint: a lead to answering to this question can be found in Dave Berry's immortal words on the differences between the sexes.